Joke Archives
January 12, 1998

Cultural Awareness Joke....

Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungie Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.

Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea."

After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed that his clothes were torn and wondered what that was all about. Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding.

Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."

Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.

Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"

Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??"


January 9, 1998

Scuba Diving

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,

"I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

BONUS JOKE!!!


Gonna Crash

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.

"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."


January 7, 1998

Beloved Doughboy Dies

Pop N' Fresh (1966-1997)

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N' Fresh died Monday of a yeast infection. He was 31. Fresh was buried Wednesday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities were present, including Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterworth, the Keebler elves, and Hungry Jack. The grave side was piled with flours; long time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how badly he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but later life was filled with turnovers. He wasn't considered a smart cookie and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children and one in the oven.


January 6, 1998

Boo!

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death --we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"


January 5, 1998

Mistletoe at the Airport

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and this guy was ready to go back. The airport, on the other end, had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."


December 31, 1997

Obituary

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit. editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks thing over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: 1983 Pickup for sale."


December 30, 1997

Try Anything

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

The nine year old replies, "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

The nine year old quipped,"Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."

The cashier is surprised. "Your four year old little brother???"

The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"


December 29, 1997

A Happy Political Holiday Season

Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House,
Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse.

The Secret Service were guarding the premises with care,
for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there.

As Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed,
dirty thoughts swam around Mr. Kennedy's head.

And Bill in his sportcoat; a heavy gray tweed,
had just fried his brain with some Mexican weed.

When out in the garden came a plethora of noise,
all drunken and rowdy: 'twas Newt and the boys!

Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash,
"It's a raid boys!" he cried, "Quick, go hide my stash!"

The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow,
gave a psychedelic haze to the objects below.

When what to Bill's frantic eyes should appear,
but a slew of Republicans and a keg of ice beer.

With a big House leader, all lively and fat:
He knew it was Newt, the proponent of GATT!

As viscous as vipers, the Republicans came,
and Bill recognized them and called them by name.

"Hey Helms, Hey Thurmond! Hey Packwood and Hatch!
Hey Dole and Pataki, it's time for a bash!"

A collective cheer rose out from the crowd,
"Let's listen to Nugent, and turn it up loud!"

Together Dems and Republicans danced and sang out in cheer
"Screw health care and Haiti, it's time to drink beer!"

When from the chimney, came a big black cloud of soot,
as Limbaugh danced from the fireplace in a red Santa suit.

He moved through the crowd, then held up his hand,
and when all was silent, he did a keg stand.

And the crowd raised their cups, as Newt bowed down in prayer,
and champagne flowed freely, just like welfare.

As Kennedy and Reno romped in the Green Room,
the rest of the crooks outlined their plan of doom.

"We'll pray in the schools, shove it down their throats!"
"More welfare, more taxes, we'll still get the votes!"

And they drank, hugged and danced, they crossed party lines.
They cheered, "It doesn't matter, we're all bastard swines!"

So they threw out allegiance and partisan crap,
and they took turns sitting on the President's lap.

And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn,
and awoke in the morning without their pants on.

And Packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear.
While Judge Thomas and Miss Hill went out for more beer.

Then the party-ers discovered a sight so touching and cute,
President Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up next to Newt.

Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots,
"A merry Clinton to all, and to all a good Newt!"

December 24, 1997

'Twas the night before Chanukah

'Twas the night before Chanukah, boychicks and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the draidels.
The Menorah was set on the chimney, alight
In the kitchen the Bubba hut gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
And zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmack, the kinderlech felt
While dreaming of tagelach and Chanukah gelt.

The clock on the mantlepiece away was tickin'
And Bubba was serving a schtickala chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand brauches,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuches.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
While Bubba was now on the herring and rye.
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkes
While Bubba was busy devouring the latkes.